Cat Physics
*Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend
to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force
- such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
*Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a
straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change
direction.
*Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and
black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the
darkness of the fabric.
*Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer
to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case
all heat flows to the cat.
*Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to
a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
*Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep
with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable
for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for
the cat.
*Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body
long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything
remotely interesting on it.
*Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the
floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of
human foot traffic.
*Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate
at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
*Law of Dinner
Table Attendance
Cats must attend all
meals when anything good is served.
*Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in
its naturally flat state for very long.
*Law of Obedience
Resistance
A cat's resistance varies
in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
*First Law of
Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy
can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore,
use as little energy as possible.
*Second Law of
Energy Conservation
Cats also know that
energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
*Law of Refrigerator
Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator
long enough, someone will come along and take out something
good to eat.
*Law of Electric
Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric
blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
*Law of Random
Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek,
and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given
room.
*Law of Bag/Box
Occupancy
All bags and boxes in
a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible
nanosecond.
*Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises
in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount
of human laughter.
*Law of Milk
Consumption
A cat will drink his
weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
*Law of Furniture
Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch
furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
*Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land
in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an
unsuspecting, reclining human.
*Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level
will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a
human expends in trying to interest him.
*Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of
Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
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